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LIE #3: You're Just Too Much but Never Quite Enough

 

So I just took a red eye flight from Maui to San Fran, barely sleeping, thanks to turbulence and the lovely louder-than-heck flushing toilets that always threaten to suck your clothes and arms and earrings down the drain with brute force. Do they really have to be so super-turbo-charged?

 

I have bed head and fuzzy teeth and greasy glasses and can hardly keep my eyes open...but have a three hour layover until my last leg home. In order to keep myself awake and not miss my upcoming plane should I pass out in the corner while waiting, I decided to attempt to write the next chapter in this journey that was already mulling over in my mind while I was in the sky.

 

First of all, yes - I had an incredible time on my vacation, thanks for asking! It was just the rest & re-charge I needed. This particular flight plan home was probably not my best idea ever, but let's be real - it's the one my budget could afford. In addition to that, since I love to keep things interesting, I figured why not pick up the key to my new apartment an hour after I land and then move my whole life across town two days from now? Yes, people: this is how I roll. 

 

I have lived in San Luis Obispo 2.5 years and have already moved 4 times. Most of my friends and family have given up trying to keep track of my most current mailing address, and I don't blame them!

 

I can hear your thoughts now, "Watch out, Sherilyn's rolling in to town again, feet on the ground running like a crazy person as usual! That girl is just *too much* sometimes!"

 

I've definitely heard that before a time or two.

 

I suppose the most scarring person to utter those words to me was my ex-husband. "You're just too much," is something he used to say when he couldn't handle this moody musician always running at warp speed, working on 3 projects at once and touring and writing and recording and fighting sickness to do it all in record time, and then usually having an emotional meltdown along the way. He couldn't handle my grief or tears or frustrations or need for his love and affection and patience and care. I was needy and too much.

 

Not only that, but I very much wear my heart on my sleeve and don't do "chit chat" well and most of my friendships are deeper than wide and that can also be "a lot" for some people. 

 

I'm an introvert and can come across quiet and guarded at times. I know that might be a surprise to people since I'm on stage a lot and most people assume I'm an extrovert, but I would say I'm an "outgoing introvert." I can be outgoing when the situation requires it, but I easily get "people overload" and when I have my choice in the matter, I always need alone time to get fully re-fueled. Then, when I have free time, I usually choose to spend it with a few close friends with whom I feel very known and very safe. Would you believe I'm actually really shy and that walking into a room full of people I don't know at a huge party brings on a ton of anxiety for me?!?!? Heck, whom am I kidding? That even happens when I know everyone in the room!

 

Admittedly, some of my own insecurities over the years have likely prevented me from being more brave in getting to know people, or in letting myself be known. I suppose at the crux of it is a doubt that I'm worth knowing. I honestly remember hearing my mom say things about herself like, "Oh they won't want to hang out with me, I'm not very fun..." and stuff like that. But anyone who knew my mom knew that you LOVED being around her. Sadly, I think I picked up on some of those same insecurities and often struggle to feel like people actually WANT to hang out with me or get to know me. 

I also went through a season of life that was also so traumatizing, then even the simplest of questions that most humans ask in initial convos like, "Are you married?" or "What do you do for a living?" and such were super painful questions to answer, or complicated to explain. So I avoided people a lot, for a lot of years. I think I still suffer from PTSD. LOL. 

 

But with those with whom I am already known and feel safe, I rarely discuss the weather or the latest political news...but rather I tend to go deep, straight to the heart stuff. And usually in those cases, I am not quiet at all, but have TONS of words. LOL.

  

The irony is that to some I am feel like I am "too much," but to others - without me changing a thing about myself - I feel I am "not enough." Like I don't measure up, I can't give them what they need, what they want, what they crave. I'm not funny enough or skinny enough or charming enough or cool enough or chatty enough or talented enough or independent enough or dependent enough or confident enough or patient enough or pretty enough or relaxed enough or athletic enough or lovable enough...

 

I suppose my ex-husband made me feel that at times as well. I never seemed to be able to love him the way he needed to be loved. It seemed no matter what I did, I fell short of his expectations. And ultimately, he just left (more on that later).

 

After he walked out, I couldn't imagine having to tell anyone that he'd actually left me; that he'd decided I was both "too much" to deal with and "not enough" of a wife for him to stay. I was devastated. And it left quite a deep scar that plagued me for some time. It debilitated me. It crushed me.

 

What I love about Jesus is that he is all about the down-and-outers. The least likely choices. The outcasts. The unlovable. He draws close to those who are needy and hurting, he does not run away. Over and over, God has had to re-train my thinking.

 

Psalm 34:18 says, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

 

I love the Message version of it as well, which says:

"If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there;
if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath."

 

No matter what you're facing right now, don't believe the enemy's lies. You are not too much. And you are perfectly enough. God is near when we are at our weakest places, and he'll help you catch your breath. Just breathe. Tomorrow is a new day. Hold on to his promises. "Weeping may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning" (Psalm 30:5).

 

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Click the links below to read other blogs in the series "Fat Girls Don't Deserve Love [And other lies I believed for way too long]"

Preface: No More Stalling: It's Time to Be Brave

Lie #1: Fat Girls Don't Deserve Love

Lie #2: It's All Your Fault

Lie # 3: You're Just too Much but Never Quite Enough

Lie #4: You Are Invisible 

Lie #5: Divorced = Disqualified

Lie #6: You Are Broken & Useless

 

 

 

 

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